I am beauty-full

I am beauty-full

i love me

No matter what you do to me

you can’t take me away from me.

 

your lies they cut right through you

you are short changing your self

i am sorry you are so bankrupt

and that you don’t even know yourself.

 

I am beauty-full

i live in light & Truth

even though i have my flaws

i own them & that sets me free

 

your lies they will for-sake you

they will imprison you deeper still

they will keep you from your beauty

and make it harder to know the true you.

 

i am beauty-full

i live in truth & that sets myself free

to be who i am meant to be

 

i feel sorry for you

you chose deceit

but it is a bankrupt way to live

 

your lies they will forsake you

you chose to destroy your truest friend

in the end.

 

my heart aches for you

you must be so lonely

living in the dark caused by your lies.

the truth is like a song of life

i hope you make things right.

 

I am beauty-full

i love me

long after your destruction has left it’s wake

i will pick up these pieces

because my truth

is not fake.

 

and i will rebuild my life again

on the truest foundations that exist

and my spiritual beauty

will keep me afloat & help

me mend this heartbroken rift.

 

God bless you on your journey

even after you have tried to destroy me

& mine.

 

For my Truth & Beauty you can never

take from me

even though you have sincerely tried.

 

And for this my heart does weep for you

my dear terrified child.

And for this my heart does weep for you

because i truely know how to cry.

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Liar, Liar Pants on Fire . . .

I’ve never known someone to lie so deep,

it must cut you to the quick & break your own heart

how can you sleep?

You must be such a terrified child inside

to always run from & to so deeply hide

who you are.

No wonder you loved that i could help shine on light on who you were to you

no wonder why you loved that i could truely see & know you

for to be such a liar you must believe your own lies.

you must be so very lost to yourself & so empty inside.

Your cunning is cutting your own heart to its quick

It’s sealing you in a dark prison room of your own making,

the darkest prison dungeon. Sealed off from the light of being

truely known truely seen.

how terribly lonely.

my heart aches for you that you are such

a terrified child.

thinking you have to con the world & watch your back

& be two steps ahead, And throw people under the bus

to protect yourself.

i am sorry you felt i was so against you.

that i would hurt you.

i am sorry you are a bit paranoid.

It’s your lonely darkness, your twisted mind-fuck that you play

on others, that you scam others hearts

that are fucking your own.

I feel for you, i bleed for you

my heart aches for your heartache.

you really don’t know me at all.

I have you more figured out then you

do your very self, for i speak truth & in doing

so i see truth as well.

I am sorry you were a terrified child

that you  burn others hands to keep

from getting burnt

that you would crush others hearts to make sure yours was

always so well

insulated.

insulated

insulated.

you create your own hell

your boredom must be palpable.

not being able to feel,

to be truely real

coning those who loved you most.

Do you think i didn’t find out you stole

money from me at an ATM?

cashing my check adding a bit extra

on cuz you were mad or thought

i was a chump that deserved it.

An easy trusting mark.

I am not so stupid as you figured.

I was honest with you.

i have nothing to hide.

that’s why i could hold my head high in a courtroom

while everyone attacked me.

i know i am not perfect.

i have the courage (coeur-age=with heart)

of living my truth & owning my mistakes

in order to see myself & grow

even if painfull.

yes i made my mis-takes

but i claim them

& i live free, outloudly

in the light of day.

it is less lonely there.

even when all forsake me

because i am Free.

because i have me.

Because Life & the living energy of God is Truth

Because secrets destroy us.

I pray you come clean if

not for you, then for me.

Maybe one day you will give me

an appology of depth.

Not one of a guilty conscience that just

threw me under a bus & destroyed my

life to protect your lies.

I wish you could have fought fair.

I wish you had hair.

And weren’t so ugly

and deceitful

& full of shit.

But in truth you are the one

hurting the deepest

for you are living a lie

and that lie will corrode you from the inside out

because what you submerge you are giving

a life.

I will pray for you as i pray for myself.

I have been, but all you have had for me is vile.

you can go fuck yourself as far as i am concerned.

get over your self.

be a man.

own your shit.

stop being a fucking coward.

do the right thing

tell the truth

& set your own heart free.

Believe me i have seen this play out with my dad.

He may have travelled the world,

been a VP,

but he died a miserable death.

His heart went into heart

failure for his lies.

He suffered years & years

& years, living like a vegetable

having someone have to wipe his butt,

living the most humiliating sort of half existence for

over a decade.

Is that what you want?

you are living for the moment

but you are fucking your long range quality of life.

this lie

will eat

you

from the inside out.

You decide.

Hurt

I am feeling so hurt.  so very deeply hurt.  How can someone you loved with your whole heart for years treat you like you are nothing & lie & expose your most deepest trusted secrets you shared publicly in a vicious court battle to protect themselves from looking honestly at themselves?

it’s not fair & it is deeply, deeply hurtful.  the problem is the person i loved, turns out they have no conscience or moral compass.  they are a predator turns out & only care about their own self interest. the truth be damned.  my heart & welfare & life be damned.  they don’t care about the havoc they wrecked in my life permanently today, my ability to get a job, run for office, have a life, be able to move about my own beloved city i have lived in for 20 years with no problems.  they threw me under the bus, lied their heart out just to serve themselves & then said Sorry as i was on my way out of the room right after decided to royally screw me.

am super struggling with truth & belief in humanity at this point.  all my friends put me on the stand for telling the truth.  no one has been truely supportive, only judgmental of me & doubting me through out this whole arduous sickening process. i didn’t deserve this.  i risked caring with my whole heart.  problem is when the other person doesn’t, they can take your deeply most trusted vulnerabilities & heart & crush & jump on them & enjoy it if they are evil & cold enough & brutally self serving enough.

please some say something nice & encouraging to me right now.  i am severely hurting after today’s proceedings.

thank you in advance. ❤

can any one else relate?  please share your stories.  Have you been screwed by a psycopath you were in love with?  Someone you discovered after years was a literal heartless self serving psycopath?

sooo much love & healing to your hearts as well. I know it is truely brutal when someone will stop at nothing to destroy you & your life after victimizing & sexually assaulting & raping you for years when you were hugely vulnerable with a brain injury & no family, acting like they are the victim in the legal system.

Please, please share you stories. I don’t want to feel alone in this right now & right now i totally do.

Power to the sistas! 🙂

 

There is NO Justice= Just US

i wish i could say more but i can’t at the moment.  But i just wanted to say outloud for my own mental health, there is no justice especially in the legal system.  Especially for women.

One of the most profound things i ever heard about the word Justice was a vietnam veteran bus driver who said casually as we were passing a building, now passing the Just Us center.  I thought that comment was both brilliant & profound.  True Just US is when we create a level playing field & see each other as equals & treat each other with respect & honoring & being heard & loved.

that’s all my heart can stomach to say about that in this moment.

God bless ❤

Misconceptions about what Rape & Sexual Violence Looks Like . . .

I have been raped & sexually assaulted most of my life.  Most people don’t understand what is the most traumatizing part of it all . . .It is the loss of selfhood, your governance over your own body, your sacred essence, the most valuable part of yourself, your sacred sexuality.  Someone steals, robs, strips you of what is innately yours to give, to decide who to share yourself with, Someone takes away your right to chose, your selfhood, your ability to have autonomy on the deepest of levels.  It is about power.  It is not about sex.  It is about someone wanting to have power over you & to strip you of your power.  It is about control as well.  Them wanting to have control over you.

What a lot of men don’t understand & society too, is that it is so deeply traumatizing in the moment you realize that the person you love & trust, no longer is listening to you, no longer sees you, no longer respects your right to have choices, to have control & dominion over that which is most sacred to you . . .when you realize they just violated your boundaries or are about to, most women shut down.  A lot of women don’t fight back, because they are in shock.  Because they are dissociating, because they are horrified or terrified or because they don’t want it to turn into a violent rape that is even more traumatic of a violation.

After working so hard to heal myself from my awful childhood abuse i survived at the hands of both my parents–both sexually torturing me basically, I thought i was finally in a good place.  Unfortunately, I got taken advantage of again, this time even worse because the person was a huge con artist.

What this person does not realize, is what most men fail to realize,  when a woman says No & they still go ahead & push the boundaries, in that very moment you have sexually assaulted her. It doesn’t matter how softly she says it, or how scared or amibivalent . . it doesn’t matter if she is too scared to fight or what your reasons are, you just took away her right to her own body, the inside of herself.   Her deepest most sacred gift & intimacy to share.

And consent is not just about that she said the word no.  If she says Wait & Stop, that is teh same as No, according to decency & the law. It is sexual assault if she says wait & you don’t.   It is sexual assault if she says she needs to lie down & take a nap & that she doesn’t want to be physical & you strip down to your underwear & jump on top of her.

It is not all about you & what you want in that moment or any moment.  You do not get to decide what she wants even if her body seems excited.  She gets to decide what she wants for herself with her own brain, her own autonomy, her own selfhood.

This is a very good article about the subject.  I am tired of being sexually assaulted or raped by men I date.   I think from now on I am dating only women just so i don’t have to worry about being attacked.  It’s a sad commentary on our society that i now think that is the only way i can be safe in a sexual relationship is to become a lesbian.

http://www.care2.com/causes/there-is-no-such-thing-as-a-classic-rapist.html

 

 

 

 

Letting the Outside In . . .Connection & the Logistics of our Housing

In rainy regions & just about anywhere, we need houses & apartments with “convertible” roofs just like cars, so you can do your household chores in the sun, looking up at the sky & bring the outside in.  🙂

I really wonder if anyone could or has invented this idea already.  If they haven’t, want to give me a cut, like 10% of your sales or something if you work out the logistics? I’m serious. 

I think part of our depression as a culture is we move around like discombobulated heads, going here, going there, not really attached or conscious of our bodies & that we should be living from the heart through the brain, not reverse.   We live in these square boxes, totally cut off from & insulated from Life–the birds singing around us, Mother Nature’s sighs & breezes, what our neighbors are doing, what the animals are doing, disconnected from our Mother the Sky. 

I feel for us. I really do.  I want this option of a convertible roof, i can roll back when the sun shines.  Or a plexiglass roof, where you can see outside your house even when it rains.  How bout even a plexiglass house?  Of course with curtains & doors where necessary for good boundaries privacy sake.  

Still just live our lives allowing a few more cracks to open where we let in the Light, Life, our Divine connect to Mother Earth & all it’s beautyfull inhabitants a little more & a little more. 

You may call me a hippy, but i would say i am a pragmatist.  Love is real. Life is Healing.  Connection feeds. Not just our bodies, minds & hearts it feeds our soul.  It keeps us healthy & happy. It would cut down on doctors visits & trips to the shrink. 

Happy day to you all.  Thank you dear readers for letting me sharing my internal ramblings.  ❤

Bless-sings to you all. 🙂