rage is an important part of healing & taking your power back–just sayin’

To those who think my latest blog posts are too intense, I say to you, after you have been victimized for 2 years by a psychopath on the deepest levels–emotionally, spiritually & sexually . . .you would know why i have so much rage.  It is one of the very normal stages of people who are getting over being with someone who was a psycopath.  It is HUGELY different then a regular breakup–one where you breakup but you know some of your memories with that person were genuinely good–that they had genuinely cared about you at some point in the relationship.

The most damaging aspect of having been in a relationship with a psycopath, is that you find out it was all a premeditated con.  Nothing was real emotionally to them.  They were just using you & trying to dupe you on the most profound levels because they enjoyed causing your undoing.  They enjoyed causing you harm & psychological pain.  They enjoyed having “power over” you.   It was hugely exciting for them, your distress.  Their getting something for nothing.  Them conning you.  Them breaking you down & then when you were good & broken saying everything was “your fault”–“you are such a mess! You are desperate & pathethic.” and other evil things they say once they have had their way with you & are now onto the contempt phase of their relationships where you are nothing to them & their mask is finally off.

It has been heartbreaking to find out how deeply my ex deceived me.  In preparing to defend myself & contest his bogus restraining order, I researched & unearthed so many horrible things he did behind my back.  So many horrible lies.  Any fantasy I had that he had ever remotely loved me, was crushed & decimated.

It has been so hard for me to comprehend it all. How someone could do that to someone for 2 years straight?  It has shaken the way i look at people & the world.

But i am not going to let him win.  And if he is reading this, he can kiss my ass.  I am stronger than that, because i live in Truth & that is power-full.  I have real, genuine emotions. I know how to love someone & genuinely care.

No matter what he tries to take, steal & profit off of other people, emotionally, physically, etc.  he will never have that.  And try as he might he can NEVER take that away from me again, period.

I feel sorry for him.  He is one twisted broken messed up individual.

It is now long enough away from the trial that I can now speak my truth.

It is freeing & a liberating feeling.

The Truth is powerful!

Yea me!  I am awesome!  And I am finding myself, the shiny happy caring person that he tried so hard to destroy.  I am finding her again, even though i accidentally ran into him a couple days ago & he acted like i didn’t even exist.  The funny thing is he doesn’t phase me the way he used to.  I am onto his con artist ways now.  He is just like his dad.

Yea freedom.

To any women who have been through a similar situation, i feel for you so deeply. It was one of the hardest things i have ever lived through.

God bless everyone, including him. I hope he appologies to me one day & finds his own heart.

Namaste.

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Asking for what we need . . .

Most people are terrified of asking directly from people what they need & want & to say how they truely feel. A lot of this is due to how they were shamed when they were little when they tried to be authentic. When I’m mad at my mom or another person, if I can look behind their abusive behaviors or words to the fear, the hurt, the needs not expressed directly, it can help shift my perspective towards a more truely powerful place of not retaliation but rather reconciliation & constructively working things out in compromise, in humanity . . .It is a wonderful aha moment.

I feel i am just now getting the space & breath inside myself to finally create space for this more & more. I fail A LOT, but that is totally okay. I was never shown how to do it. When my mom wanted something, she would shame me, scream at me, berate & belittle me to get what she wanted. The total tragedy of it all is she didn’t realize she could have just asked me directly & I more than likely would have wanted to help out or would have cared. Not that it was my job to take care of her, but still there is room to be human in the parent child relationship.

She shamed & manipulated me & screamed to get what she wanted because she was truely TERRIFIED to be authentic & risk rejection yet again. She was truely TERRIFIED to ask for what she needed directly because she didn’t even think that was possible–that that was an option that would be heard or listened to or honored. Kids were raised in those days with the motto “Children should be seen but not heard.” What a terrible, terrible message to lay on child. It was totally backward.

Being Heard, truely Heard, honored & loved returns us to ourselves & to our own Hue-man-ity (I plus You) :). It returns ourselves to the truest most authentic energy (hue) colors of ourselves, of our spirits or our souls.

Next time someone is acting out, try to sense the need & the feeling behind what is going on . . .Try to intuit what they are too afraid to say & gently say to them . .How are you feeling right now? Are you scared? Do you feel alone? Betrayed? Hopeless? What is it you need from me right now? Can you ask me directly? You will be more likely to get that need met if you can ask me right now as specifically as you can . . . I had been feeling this & practicing this more & more with my mom, that if she could only Take Care of herself & her needs, that she would lash out & scream at me less . . .So I started encouraging her to take care of herself, if she noticed she was starting to get angry. This was helping things a bit. It was like a huge revelation to her & Shock! 🙂 that someone would actually want her to take care of herself & set boundaries. I suspect she was never allowed boundaries & not often asked what she wanted or needed. It was almost comical but also deeply heartbreaking at the same time her reaction (to see that no one had ever given her this before & how deep her shame ran) . . .Comical & heart touching in that her reaction was kind of like a freed child that realizes they can go run in a field of rainbow candy canes! 🙂 it seemed like it almost felt magical to her. It was truely liberating on a deep level . . .Like, “I can do that?!” with a  smile shining so bright is was a radiant earth shattering smile. 🙂  Awww  ❤ misty tears of love for her.   My heart softened.

So many years I tried shaming my mother. Screaming at her back to get what I wanted, to communicate my feelings & needs . . not directly but through rage, shame & manipulation just like she had showed me. I wasn’t usually violent but i could sure cut someone to the quick with some biting, albeit Truthful remarks. But while true, they came from a desire to shame & put down & humiliate & be “better” than. I thought that was the way to get my power back–not consciously at all!

But i see now what a travesty this has all been & how it kept me tied to her & powerless. I gave my power away to every single person i screamed at & shamed. I  became tied to them, because since we are ultimately One when we hurt another, we hurt ourselves. We create a karmic debt so to speak to that person that we need to heal to be truely Whole.

Beating myself up for it isn’t the answer at all. That would only repeat the ridiculous shame spiral I was taught. I can love myself even if i am not perfect. Precisely Because I am not perfect. I think that makes me infinitely More love-able. 🙂

God has all the answers God will show you. 🙂 Life will school you. All the friends who walked away this year from me for good, telling me I had shamed & blamed them & had screamed & raged & they didn’t deserve it & needed appreciation, well I never got that. I had to be perfect. I had to be my mom or else there was hell to pay & shaming, screaming & so on. I didn’t realize how deep some rivers run. That I had picked up so much subconsciously & was more like my mom then i had ever realized. I thought I was the Just one. That I was Right. Right, righting a grand grievance & wrong of so many people abusing & shaming me for decades. Yes it is truely, truely horrible how I was raised, but fighting back only perpetuated the cycle of violence. Even in words. Violent words as the book Non-violent Communication by Marshall explains . . .brings more violent words & sometimes even violent outcomes. Hate breeds hate. Arrogance breed alienation & lack of connection.

I was soo desperately lonely. I was trying to return my dignity to myself that was stripped long ago, but using the wrong methods. Reading a Tyler Perry interview with Oprah tonight helped bring this writing to be. He talked about when he stood up to his dad who was emotionally berating him & screaming & cussing & said calmly & from a source deep within, “I do not deserve that.” And he broke free. It was a moment of true Power, Authentic power. He didn’t shame his dad or cuss or scream back. He set boundaries of self care & reclaimed his own dignity.

He said everything changed after that moment. His play sold out which had failed 6 successive times. He no longer was fueled by rage or anger or hatred. He was fueled by a Higher Source–from love. Love of self, love towards other. He had Shifted where the source of his power & where he was acting from.

So in the moment of someone acting out & emotionally abusing us or whatever situation, we have two choices . . .respond in kind (re-act what abuse is being handed to us) & be tied in bondage to that other person giving them your power & tying back into them OR we can take a higher road that requires a shifting to a place of true Love & power & in that shifting we create enough space between ourselves & the other person so that we can see them much more clearly . . .see their needs, their humanity, their pains, the heartbreak, their frailty & taking a Deep Breath, we can respond in love while loving ourselves. And this keeps us unenmeshed with them, truely free & keeps us in our real power of Authenticity & our True Self or the God or Love energy within. And then things just calm right on down. 🙂  And this ironically often causes the other person to come to their senses  . . .and then they just might then meet our needs as well because they no longer feel attacked or threatened.

Non violence & love is supremely power-full, practical, even pragmatic; but it all stems from recognizing our collective humanity, our interconnectedness, our humility, our frailties & that we truely need each other to be whole. Of course we can say no or the other person can as well & that is all well good & fine because we never want to restrict someone’s freedom or have power over another. But we can say no or yes IN LOVE & that restores us all back to ourselves & to each other & to the whole.

This interconnected kind of “need” is much different that the i need you to fill me kind of need that is graspy & clawing. It is asking for what we need from another human being . . . risking that . . .while at the same time allowing for a no because we truely love, see & respect each other on a deep level as equals.

I am so thankful for this epiphany tonight. It has been a long hard road in the coming. I’ve held such rage at my mom for letting my dad rape & torture me, for never protecting me, for being a narcissist & wanting me to be her. But rage & trying to shame, force & belittle her to change, did the opposite of what i wanted & made her more entrenched in her stance. But when i greet her with love & compassion & space to choose & be free, i notice little by little a healing & a deepening in our relationship. It is scarey, trying to trust someone who has been so untrustworthy, to be truely vulnerable with her & authentic.  But as an adult, I now know i have the power to set boundaries to protect myself when i need to (like if you scream I will end our phone call & say goodbye & talk to you at another time when you have calmed down & can talk to me respectfully.)

This shifting of myself it feels powerful. Not trying to shame or blame her (a tactic we use when we are too fearful to ask for what we want or need directly) but rather to stand in my truth, protect myself, hear the pain behind her actions, speak to her needs & ask what i need as well in return.

Bless sings y’all. Bless sings world. This is hard work, but i have a feeling it will get easier like a muscle the more I use & practice it! 🙂 It is scarey & exciting & very full-filling & is helping me to be a full-er more whole, deeper me. 🙂  It is a language of true connection, not artifice of saying all the right words but with emptiness & a lack of love.

Of course if you are not physically safe, set good self love boundaries & leave that relationship & do so in a way that you are protected & safe as you leave. Not everyone can be reasoned with safely. But for those that can, the above is certainly worth a try & can be liberating for self & other!

Yee Haw! ❤ Love to you all!

Depression

i am like mud inside

apathy, negativity abound

after the countless betrayals this year,

the deep heart shattering betrayals

i am having trouble bouncing back.

people want to force me into the happy box.

i just want to be loved as I AM now.  For the

authentic hurting me & hugged & sat with.

I miss my ex but he hates me.

Turns out he hated me all a long.

Never had a moment of respect for who i was

Lied, used, conned, stole from me &

then has the audacity to act like the victim

in a court of law & lie to my face

under oath

looking me dead in my eyes.

It has left my heart & soul feeling ravaged

& dead.

He does not care at all,

doesn’t even think about me

except with contempt

if at all.

I was NOTHING to him

emotionally

at all.

How can you sleep with someone & be

in a relationship with them

& not care

at all?

It is heartbreaking.

His last words to me were of how our last night of

in my mind “making love” together

“wasn’t Horrible”.  That i was “desperate”

and that he was just using me to get off.

Who does that to a person they loved & respected

& were in a 2 year “committed relationship” with?

No one.  Only someone who is evil.  Only someone

who has no heart

at all.

I can’t understand it . . .why he would tell me

when i asked him while sobbing

is there anything you respected about me?

Did you ever respect me?

And was met with dead silence. Nothing.

I wish i could find one moment now

that I could believe was true.  One moment

of caring that was genuine or heartfelt.

One memory that could point to he loved me

even if only in that moment.

But i can’t now.   How can i?  When i found out about the lies.

How will i now know that any of it was true?

So my heart is dead & i don’t trust anyone.

I feel alone now when among other people.

I am apathetic, hurting & wounded,

just like he was when i met him.

We have switched places.

He stole my shinyness, my happiness,

what made me Me for himself.

He took & conned & used the best

of me at my expense

out of pure self centered

evilness.  Like a spiritual vampire.

Just like when he sexually assaulted me when

I was brain injured.  Over & over.

Pretending he was sorry.

Only finding out the truth after the mask came off,

when there was nothing left of me to take.

Hornet’s Nest

How can i connect to you?

You are like a hornet’s nest

So re-active

So ascerbic, biting & mean.

You sting me for the pure pleasure of it.

You enjoy hurting me.

It breaks my heart dear mother.

I want so much to connect now that

dad is dead.

But your sweet honey tiny kind moments are followed instantly by a

stinger.  Or being swarming with judgement & hate.

How can you keep hating me for not being you?

Wouldn’t you want me to be myself?

to individuate & grow

to become a whole functioning healthy

adult?

With a mind of my own.

A life of my own.

Making my own way successfully in this world?

But you want to keep me trapped.

In bondage to you.

In your cocoon of pain.

So you can control & dominate.

It is soo heartbreaking.

I am reaching the end of my limit.

I’ve asked you so many times

to treat me with respect.

I’ve warned you I might

have to give up on relating

on having a relationship with you.

But you chose rage

you consciously chose rage

over me.

So with love I let you go.

I am so sore & weary

& tired of these painful stingers.

I want to be free

& so out of love for myself.

I walk

away

and become my own mother.

It is still heartbreaking though

that you never wanted to truely see or love or know

me.

Very disheartened from my own recent experiences . . .here’s much needed info about sexual violence

Without naming names, I was sexually assaulted & raped while i was brain injured & also shortly after my dad died.  The person has not genuinely appologized in a sincere deep way once.  On top of that he has the psycopathic audacity to act like the victim.  He is a true psycopath who can hurt a person on a deep level & not care & then rejoice in causing them even additional pain on top of that instead of owning the horrible thing he did emotionally & appologizing.  When i finally told my friends, they demonized me & judged me & rejected me & ignored me not him.

Our society is really fucked up.  Here’s some important information:

People in the vast majority of cases do not lie about sexual violence or childhood abuse.  Children don’t lie about it either.  Let’s stop blaming the victim. PLEASE.

http://www.pcar.org/realities-sexual-violence

IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS IN NEED OF HELP,  PLEASE GET HELP!  Here are some other resources:

http://www.pcar.org/child-sexual-abuse-and-incest

May God bless & protect children & women everywhere.

Namaste.

Bless-sings to all.  ❤

running into my EX

Today i had the misfortune of accidentally running into my EX.  My ex who used me & sexually assaulted & raped me off & on for 2 years when i was severely brain injured & pretended to be sorry to get more sex & pretended to be against violence against women, all while using me when i was hugely emotionally vulnerable during the death of my dad, my aunt, finding out my therapist had terminal cancer & on & on.

I had the misfortunate of not finding out he was a true psycopath until after the relationship was over.  That’s when i found out the whole relationship was just a calculated undoing of me on purpose for sport & for usery on his part.  He enjoys destroying women’s self esteem & using them up & tossing them away.  It’s an ego & power & control trip for him.  He gets off on it, whether consciously or not.  He does.  He takes energetically & feeds off of people & then feels all pumped up & excited as he is destroying them & treating them like garbage.  He feels complete contempt for women he violates & then sees as broken or weak after they are broken by what he has done.

The day after what we knew was our final breakup, he had the audacity to tell me when i was like wow you look happier than ever, the DAY after our final breakup he said, I am really happy. Things are going really well in my life right now.   No grief. No sadness over a 2 year relationship being over.

There were sooo many red flags during our relationship, but i was too brain injured to have good judgement & to see clearly. he knew this & exploited all of this for his sport.  Pretended to be whatever my deepest emotional need was, my deepest vulnerability he would be there to fill it . . .but that was just set up to get what the fuck he wanted.  None of his emotions were real.  He would tell me he had trouble feeling any feelings. I should have RUN the other direction when i heard that.   But he didn’t say that in the beginning, only after he had me good & deep.  Only after he had me “hooked” & mind fucked me & emotionally raped me so completely that i was basically powerless.  He did this in a very systematic, premeditated, perfectly conscious way.  And also in a very subtle way too.

so Today when i saw him in the street, not a care in the world, laughing it up, after filing a bogus lie filled restraining order the day after he heard I filed a police report about the times he sexually assault me.  A restraining order to discredit me & make me look “crazy” & like he was the victim even though I never once hit him or threatened to hit him.   He won cuz he lied through his teeth on the stand. Used all my most trusted confidences I shared with him against me (even though he didn’t need to & it really wasn’t truely relevant to the case), Lied through his teeth about key things that could have helped me win my case all the while looking completely calm, cool, collected, looking me dead center in my eyes.

Most people flinch when they lie, or look away or get nervous, but Not psycopaths, Lying for them is as easy as eating a slice of pie.  I really do think he enjoyed it.  Enjoyed having power over me again like when he took my power & choice away when he sexually assaulted me & raped me countless times.   He is the most evil person i think i have ever met.

I didn’t really understand the level of evil until i had to research things for the trial to defend myself.   I found out all kinds of lies he put me through.  Like how he stole $50 from me at an ATM machine a week after using me for sex again, the first Thanksgiving with my dad dead.  Saying he was considering get back together–all complete & utter bull shit.  It was revenge for him at that point. He was saving voicemails to his computer that he later used against me in court.  He saved hours & hours of voicemails during time periods of him saying he loved me, when i was cutting on myself & seriously suicidal over Christmas after being so soul raped by him & mind fucked & destroyed after 8 months of sexual usery after my dad died & more & more demeaning treatment, having sex with me again even though we were broken up & i told him not to go there with me since i was so emotionally vulnerable & brain injured unless he 100% wanted to get back together.  He disregarded that & used me for sex for 8 months straight, right after my dad dying. Pretending each time that he cared or that he was seriously considering getting back together this time.  Who the fuck does that to a person?! With no feelings no conscience.

There are so many awful things he did to me that were a con artist with no soul, no feelings no conscience, an expert liar, an expert fake, an expert manipulator & schemer & Machiavellian planner.  There are way too many to list here.

I am trying to move on now that he has destroyed my public record for life. It never goes away even though they are lies.  Even though he has hurt & destroyed a lot of my friendships, as people don’t realize you need zero evidence for restraining orders.

If i felt he had one genuine feeling towards me besides complete indifference, usery, fake appologies, any sense he had any gratitude towards me after 2 years of intimacy & a relationship.  He has none.  he really hated my guts & just used me for sex cuz he liked my body.  plain & simple.  And yet posts all the time against the degredation of women & against sexual violence on his facebook. Posting against sexual violence again & preaching about how consent is not just listening to a No but also making sure there was an enthusiastic yes!  Posting that 2 days before a trial where he lied in front of the judge & me & countless others, saying he did not jump through the air & land on top of me pinning me to his bed under his 6′ 4” body & start kissing on me right after i told him my brain injury was acting up & i didnt’ want to be physical AT ALL, but needed to lie down.  Saying emphatically he didn’t kiss me that night. lying about huge things worse than this.

The sad part is now that he has consumed & taken my shiny energy like a vacuum cleaner & stole it to fill his own empty soul, he is happier than ever. He is doing great.  I was super shiny & working with energy healers when i met him. Every time our souls merged in sex, he took a piece of me.  everytime he took my power away & sexually assaulted me he stole my shiny soul energy.   the graciousness of who i was.  men don’t get that is by far the worst aspect of rape.  They fill you up with their yucky violent hateful energy & take your positive, loving essence from you.  They steal it.  They see you have something they want & don’t have & they steal it from you.

Will he ever be genuinely sorry i doubt it.   Today he saw me & in teh middle of laughing & looking happier & better than ever said casually to his friend, I gotta go & didn’t flinch, seemed 100% totally nonplussed & biked away.  The opposite of love is not hate, it is complete icycle cold hearted pretador indifference.  I was a used kleenex to him that he stepped on today, he barely noticed me. I was nothing to him emotionally or even as a human being.

How anyone could be so fucking heartless is way, way beyond me. I NEVER want to be remotely like him. I feel sorry for him.  He acts like he is the victim.  There were so many times where he had such hatred & contempt for me in his eyes, but he would still use me for sex & pretend to care.  This is the height of emotional & soul raping.

He is the most shallow callous human being i have ever met in my whole life.  Before the 6 hour bull shit trial i could still hang on to the idea he had some decency or humanity & forgive him.  But the trial changed all that.  The hours of voicemail i had assured my therapist he hadn’t collected as evidence & was the lawyers doing, i found out very clearly in the trial that my counselor was right, he saved those & “accidentally” included ones about his job offers just to mess with my head. He is very, very cold & manipulative & premeditated & calculating.  There are so many things i found out the week before that trial.  It makes my skin crawl.

I asked him in our last phone conversation when i was just begging for a genuine appology for the sexual assaults so i could move on in peace & not go forward with a long drawn out court battle if i kept going after filing charges .. i told him from a deep place in my heart that i loved him so much & didn’t want it coming to that, but i needed an appology.  In the middle of him saying even more evil horrifying things than ever, like our last time together when he pretended he loved me & was seriously contemplating getting back together, what he really had thought while we were “making love” is that I was desparate & that he was just doing me a favor & that it wasn’t “horrible” implying it wasn’t good at all or special or that it meant anything beyond a fucking self centered blow job at my expense with the first Thanksgiving with my dad dead when i was hugely emotionally vulnerable.   I said to him, did you ever respect me?  Is there anything at all you ever respected about me?  It was dead silent.

When i hung up the phone on him & smashed my fists against my mirror & had blood running down me & pieces of glass in my hands & called him back because i didn’t want this to be the last note of our relationship, i couldn’t believe he could be so cruel & heartless & that i had meant nothing at all after 2 years +, he proceeded to keep fighting with me after hearing that i now had glass in my hands & blood running down me.  Didn’t say anything kind or loving.  Didn’t really give a flying fuck about me or my welfare. Still refused ot appologize for teh sexual assaults he had pretended to be sorry for in the beginning to get more sex.   He did call teh police after we hung up.  After i told him I was no longer bleeding & fine.  He called them after fighting with me & being horribly emotionally abusive, to start his campaign of destroying me & my reputation.  Making me look crazy to protect his reputation & not take any accountability for sexually assaulting me off & on for two years while i was brain injured & causing me to go from a very happy person to someone completely destroyed self esteem wise & completely unhinged & suicidal more than ever.   He delighted in all of this.  The next morning instead of him calling to see if I was okay, he filed his lie filled restraining order, which in the trial he said he didn’t know that i filed a police report before filling his restraining order.  What a fucking lie.  That whole phone conversation was about me telling him i had filed a police report.  he also denied that i had talked to him on the phone that day, looking me dead in the eye, lying in a calm, cool collected manner.  The judge bought it, cuz i was more emotional & he seemed so calm.  Who could lie without flinching on any level?  He also said how he felt so bad for me & that I really needed to get psychological help & how he hoped i got well.

What a load of shit.

To any men that are not clear out there, being raped oftentimes makes women that had been super happy & healthy become completely unhinged & suicidal.  To have the rapist pretend like he is the victim & try to have power over you again & destroy your reputation & life in the most sinister heartless way, well to be honest, this has changed my world view.

I no longer trust anyone.  I have zero faith in people, the system.   I lost all my friends.

He loves this shit.  And so today when i saw him smiling & joking it up with someone, riding his biking looking perfectly happy, i know that he is the truely sick one.  Someone who can have sex & be in a committed relationship with someone or pretend to be, & have zero feelings of decency or compassion or any feelings at all towards that person, well that is Silence of the Lambs level psychopathic pretador.  He is true evil. Plain & simple.

I hope he gets a taste of his own medicine.  That is the only thing that will cure him.

He is the one that is truly sick & in need of serious psychological help.

I pray very hard for the people he tries to “help”, as he is getting his masters in social work & getting all kinds of job offers from domestic violence women’s shelters & the like.   God protect those vulnerable people.

God protect me from future pretadors.

I am so hugely fucking angry today.   I am soo sick of being victimized.

My words & the Truth are what set me free.