Most people are terrified of asking directly from people what they need & want & to say how they truely feel. A lot of this is due to how they were shamed when they were little when they tried to be authentic. When I’m mad at my mom or another person, if I can look behind their abusive behaviors or words to the fear, the hurt, the needs not expressed directly, it can help shift my perspective towards a more truely powerful place of not retaliation but rather reconciliation & constructively working things out in compromise, in humanity . . .It is a wonderful aha moment.
I feel i am just now getting the space & breath inside myself to finally create space for this more & more. I fail A LOT, but that is totally okay. I was never shown how to do it. When my mom wanted something, she would shame me, scream at me, berate & belittle me to get what she wanted. The total tragedy of it all is she didn’t realize she could have just asked me directly & I more than likely would have wanted to help out or would have cared. Not that it was my job to take care of her, but still there is room to be human in the parent child relationship.
She shamed & manipulated me & screamed to get what she wanted because she was truely TERRIFIED to be authentic & risk rejection yet again. She was truely TERRIFIED to ask for what she needed directly because she didn’t even think that was possible–that that was an option that would be heard or listened to or honored. Kids were raised in those days with the motto “Children should be seen but not heard.” What a terrible, terrible message to lay on child. It was totally backward.
Being Heard, truely Heard, honored & loved returns us to ourselves & to our own Hue-man-ity (I plus You) :). It returns ourselves to the truest most authentic energy (hue) colors of ourselves, of our spirits or our souls.
Next time someone is acting out, try to sense the need & the feeling behind what is going on . . .Try to intuit what they are too afraid to say & gently say to them . .How are you feeling right now? Are you scared? Do you feel alone? Betrayed? Hopeless? What is it you need from me right now? Can you ask me directly? You will be more likely to get that need met if you can ask me right now as specifically as you can . . . I had been feeling this & practicing this more & more with my mom, that if she could only Take Care of herself & her needs, that she would lash out & scream at me less . . .So I started encouraging her to take care of herself, if she noticed she was starting to get angry. This was helping things a bit. It was like a huge revelation to her & Shock! 🙂 that someone would actually want her to take care of herself & set boundaries. I suspect she was never allowed boundaries & not often asked what she wanted or needed. It was almost comical but also deeply heartbreaking at the same time her reaction (to see that no one had ever given her this before & how deep her shame ran) . . .Comical & heart touching in that her reaction was kind of like a freed child that realizes they can go run in a field of rainbow candy canes! 🙂 it seemed like it almost felt magical to her. It was truely liberating on a deep level . . .Like, “I can do that?!” with a smile shining so bright is was a radiant earth shattering smile. 🙂 Awww ❤ misty tears of love for her. My heart softened.
So many years I tried shaming my mother. Screaming at her back to get what I wanted, to communicate my feelings & needs . . not directly but through rage, shame & manipulation just like she had showed me. I wasn’t usually violent but i could sure cut someone to the quick with some biting, albeit Truthful remarks. But while true, they came from a desire to shame & put down & humiliate & be “better” than. I thought that was the way to get my power back–not consciously at all!
But i see now what a travesty this has all been & how it kept me tied to her & powerless. I gave my power away to every single person i screamed at & shamed. I became tied to them, because since we are ultimately One when we hurt another, we hurt ourselves. We create a karmic debt so to speak to that person that we need to heal to be truely Whole.
Beating myself up for it isn’t the answer at all. That would only repeat the ridiculous shame spiral I was taught. I can love myself even if i am not perfect. Precisely Because I am not perfect. I think that makes me infinitely More love-able. 🙂
God has all the answers God will show you. 🙂 Life will school you. All the friends who walked away this year from me for good, telling me I had shamed & blamed them & had screamed & raged & they didn’t deserve it & needed appreciation, well I never got that. I had to be perfect. I had to be my mom or else there was hell to pay & shaming, screaming & so on. I didn’t realize how deep some rivers run. That I had picked up so much subconsciously & was more like my mom then i had ever realized. I thought I was the Just one. That I was Right. Right, righting a grand grievance & wrong of so many people abusing & shaming me for decades. Yes it is truely, truely horrible how I was raised, but fighting back only perpetuated the cycle of violence. Even in words. Violent words as the book Non-violent Communication by Marshall explains . . .brings more violent words & sometimes even violent outcomes. Hate breeds hate. Arrogance breed alienation & lack of connection.
I was soo desperately lonely. I was trying to return my dignity to myself that was stripped long ago, but using the wrong methods. Reading a Tyler Perry interview with Oprah tonight helped bring this writing to be. He talked about when he stood up to his dad who was emotionally berating him & screaming & cussing & said calmly & from a source deep within, “I do not deserve that.” And he broke free. It was a moment of true Power, Authentic power. He didn’t shame his dad or cuss or scream back. He set boundaries of self care & reclaimed his own dignity.
He said everything changed after that moment. His play sold out which had failed 6 successive times. He no longer was fueled by rage or anger or hatred. He was fueled by a Higher Source–from love. Love of self, love towards other. He had Shifted where the source of his power & where he was acting from.
So in the moment of someone acting out & emotionally abusing us or whatever situation, we have two choices . . .respond in kind (re-act what abuse is being handed to us) & be tied in bondage to that other person giving them your power & tying back into them OR we can take a higher road that requires a shifting to a place of true Love & power & in that shifting we create enough space between ourselves & the other person so that we can see them much more clearly . . .see their needs, their humanity, their pains, the heartbreak, their frailty & taking a Deep Breath, we can respond in love while loving ourselves. And this keeps us unenmeshed with them, truely free & keeps us in our real power of Authenticity & our True Self or the God or Love energy within. And then things just calm right on down. 🙂 And this ironically often causes the other person to come to their senses . . .and then they just might then meet our needs as well because they no longer feel attacked or threatened.
Non violence & love is supremely power-full, practical, even pragmatic; but it all stems from recognizing our collective humanity, our interconnectedness, our humility, our frailties & that we truely need each other to be whole. Of course we can say no or the other person can as well & that is all well good & fine because we never want to restrict someone’s freedom or have power over another. But we can say no or yes IN LOVE & that restores us all back to ourselves & to each other & to the whole.
This interconnected kind of “need” is much different that the i need you to fill me kind of need that is graspy & clawing. It is asking for what we need from another human being . . . risking that . . .while at the same time allowing for a no because we truely love, see & respect each other on a deep level as equals.
I am so thankful for this epiphany tonight. It has been a long hard road in the coming. I’ve held such rage at my mom for letting my dad rape & torture me, for never protecting me, for being a narcissist & wanting me to be her. But rage & trying to shame, force & belittle her to change, did the opposite of what i wanted & made her more entrenched in her stance. But when i greet her with love & compassion & space to choose & be free, i notice little by little a healing & a deepening in our relationship. It is scarey, trying to trust someone who has been so untrustworthy, to be truely vulnerable with her & authentic. But as an adult, I now know i have the power to set boundaries to protect myself when i need to (like if you scream I will end our phone call & say goodbye & talk to you at another time when you have calmed down & can talk to me respectfully.)
This shifting of myself it feels powerful. Not trying to shame or blame her (a tactic we use when we are too fearful to ask for what we want or need directly) but rather to stand in my truth, protect myself, hear the pain behind her actions, speak to her needs & ask what i need as well in return.
Bless sings y’all. Bless sings world. This is hard work, but i have a feeling it will get easier like a muscle the more I use & practice it! 🙂 It is scarey & exciting & very full-filling & is helping me to be a full-er more whole, deeper me. 🙂 It is a language of true connection, not artifice of saying all the right words but with emptiness & a lack of love.
Of course if you are not physically safe, set good self love boundaries & leave that relationship & do so in a way that you are protected & safe as you leave. Not everyone can be reasoned with safely. But for those that can, the above is certainly worth a try & can be liberating for self & other!
Yee Haw! ❤ Love to you all!