i am like mud inside
apathy, negativity abound
after the countless betrayals this year,
the deep heart shattering betrayals
i am having trouble bouncing back.
people want to force me into the happy box.
i just want to be loved as I AM now. For the
authentic hurting me & hugged & sat with.
I miss my ex but he hates me.
Turns out he hated me all a long.
Never had a moment of respect for who i was
Lied, used, conned, stole from me &
then has the audacity to act like the victim
in a court of law & lie to my face
looking me dead in my eyes.
It has left my heart & soul feeling ravaged
He does not care at all,
doesn’t even think about me
except with contempt
if at all.
I was NOTHING to him
How can you sleep with someone & be
in a relationship with them
& not care
It is heartbreaking.
His last words to me were of how our last night of
in my mind “making love” together
“wasn’t Horrible”. That i was “desperate”
and that he was just using me to get off.
Who does that to a person they loved & respected
& were in a 2 year “committed relationship” with?
No one. Only someone who is evil. Only someone
who has no heart
I can’t understand it . . .why he would tell me
when i asked him while sobbing
is there anything you respected about me?
Did you ever respect me?
And was met with dead silence. Nothing.
I wish i could find one moment now
that I could believe was true. One moment
of caring that was genuine or heartfelt.
One memory that could point to he loved me
even if only in that moment.
But i can’t now. How can i? When i found out about the lies.
How will i now know that any of it was true?
So my heart is dead & i don’t trust anyone.
I feel alone now when among other people.
I am apathetic, hurting & wounded,
just like he was when i met him.
We have switched places.
He stole my shinyness, my happiness,
what made me Me for himself.
He took & conned & used the best
of me at my expense
out of pure self centered
evilness. Like a spiritual vampire.
Just like when he sexually assaulted me when
I was brain injured. Over & over.
Pretending he was sorry.
Only finding out the truth after the mask came off,
when there was nothing left of me to take.