Depression

i am like mud inside

apathy, negativity abound

after the countless betrayals this year,

the deep heart shattering betrayals

i am having trouble bouncing back.

people want to force me into the happy box.

i just want to be loved as I AM now.  For the

authentic hurting me & hugged & sat with.

I miss my ex but he hates me.

Turns out he hated me all a long.

Never had a moment of respect for who i was

Lied, used, conned, stole from me &

then has the audacity to act like the victim

in a court of law & lie to my face

under oath

looking me dead in my eyes.

It has left my heart & soul feeling ravaged

& dead.

He does not care at all,

doesn’t even think about me

except with contempt

if at all.

I was NOTHING to him

emotionally

at all.

How can you sleep with someone & be

in a relationship with them

& not care

at all?

It is heartbreaking.

His last words to me were of how our last night of

in my mind “making love” together

“wasn’t Horrible”.  That i was “desperate”

and that he was just using me to get off.

Who does that to a person they loved & respected

& were in a 2 year “committed relationship” with?

No one.  Only someone who is evil.  Only someone

who has no heart

at all.

I can’t understand it . . .why he would tell me

when i asked him while sobbing

is there anything you respected about me?

Did you ever respect me?

And was met with dead silence. Nothing.

I wish i could find one moment now

that I could believe was true.  One moment

of caring that was genuine or heartfelt.

One memory that could point to he loved me

even if only in that moment.

But i can’t now.   How can i?  When i found out about the lies.

How will i now know that any of it was true?

So my heart is dead & i don’t trust anyone.

I feel alone now when among other people.

I am apathetic, hurting & wounded,

just like he was when i met him.

We have switched places.

He stole my shinyness, my happiness,

what made me Me for himself.

He took & conned & used the best

of me at my expense

out of pure self centered

evilness.  Like a spiritual vampire.

Just like when he sexually assaulted me when

I was brain injured.  Over & over.

Pretending he was sorry.

Only finding out the truth after the mask came off,

when there was nothing left of me to take.

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