running into my EX

Today i had the misfortune of accidentally running into my EX.  My ex who used me & sexually assaulted & raped me off & on for 2 years when i was severely brain injured & pretended to be sorry to get more sex & pretended to be against violence against women, all while using me when i was hugely emotionally vulnerable during the death of my dad, my aunt, finding out my therapist had terminal cancer & on & on.

I had the misfortunate of not finding out he was a true psycopath until after the relationship was over.  That’s when i found out the whole relationship was just a calculated undoing of me on purpose for sport & for usery on his part.  He enjoys destroying women’s self esteem & using them up & tossing them away.  It’s an ego & power & control trip for him.  He gets off on it, whether consciously or not.  He does.  He takes energetically & feeds off of people & then feels all pumped up & excited as he is destroying them & treating them like garbage.  He feels complete contempt for women he violates & then sees as broken or weak after they are broken by what he has done.

The day after what we knew was our final breakup, he had the audacity to tell me when i was like wow you look happier than ever, the DAY after our final breakup he said, I am really happy. Things are going really well in my life right now.   No grief. No sadness over a 2 year relationship being over.

There were sooo many red flags during our relationship, but i was too brain injured to have good judgement & to see clearly. he knew this & exploited all of this for his sport.  Pretended to be whatever my deepest emotional need was, my deepest vulnerability he would be there to fill it . . .but that was just set up to get what the fuck he wanted.  None of his emotions were real.  He would tell me he had trouble feeling any feelings. I should have RUN the other direction when i heard that.   But he didn’t say that in the beginning, only after he had me good & deep.  Only after he had me “hooked” & mind fucked me & emotionally raped me so completely that i was basically powerless.  He did this in a very systematic, premeditated, perfectly conscious way.  And also in a very subtle way too.

so Today when i saw him in the street, not a care in the world, laughing it up, after filing a bogus lie filled restraining order the day after he heard I filed a police report about the times he sexually assault me.  A restraining order to discredit me & make me look “crazy” & like he was the victim even though I never once hit him or threatened to hit him.   He won cuz he lied through his teeth on the stand. Used all my most trusted confidences I shared with him against me (even though he didn’t need to & it really wasn’t truely relevant to the case), Lied through his teeth about key things that could have helped me win my case all the while looking completely calm, cool, collected, looking me dead center in my eyes.

Most people flinch when they lie, or look away or get nervous, but Not psycopaths, Lying for them is as easy as eating a slice of pie.  I really do think he enjoyed it.  Enjoyed having power over me again like when he took my power & choice away when he sexually assaulted me & raped me countless times.   He is the most evil person i think i have ever met.

I didn’t really understand the level of evil until i had to research things for the trial to defend myself.   I found out all kinds of lies he put me through.  Like how he stole $50 from me at an ATM machine a week after using me for sex again, the first Thanksgiving with my dad dead.  Saying he was considering get back together–all complete & utter bull shit.  It was revenge for him at that point. He was saving voicemails to his computer that he later used against me in court.  He saved hours & hours of voicemails during time periods of him saying he loved me, when i was cutting on myself & seriously suicidal over Christmas after being so soul raped by him & mind fucked & destroyed after 8 months of sexual usery after my dad died & more & more demeaning treatment, having sex with me again even though we were broken up & i told him not to go there with me since i was so emotionally vulnerable & brain injured unless he 100% wanted to get back together.  He disregarded that & used me for sex for 8 months straight, right after my dad dying. Pretending each time that he cared or that he was seriously considering getting back together this time.  Who the fuck does that to a person?! With no feelings no conscience.

There are so many awful things he did to me that were a con artist with no soul, no feelings no conscience, an expert liar, an expert fake, an expert manipulator & schemer & Machiavellian planner.  There are way too many to list here.

I am trying to move on now that he has destroyed my public record for life. It never goes away even though they are lies.  Even though he has hurt & destroyed a lot of my friendships, as people don’t realize you need zero evidence for restraining orders.

If i felt he had one genuine feeling towards me besides complete indifference, usery, fake appologies, any sense he had any gratitude towards me after 2 years of intimacy & a relationship.  He has none.  he really hated my guts & just used me for sex cuz he liked my body.  plain & simple.  And yet posts all the time against the degredation of women & against sexual violence on his facebook. Posting against sexual violence again & preaching about how consent is not just listening to a No but also making sure there was an enthusiastic yes!  Posting that 2 days before a trial where he lied in front of the judge & me & countless others, saying he did not jump through the air & land on top of me pinning me to his bed under his 6′ 4” body & start kissing on me right after i told him my brain injury was acting up & i didnt’ want to be physical AT ALL, but needed to lie down.  Saying emphatically he didn’t kiss me that night. lying about huge things worse than this.

The sad part is now that he has consumed & taken my shiny energy like a vacuum cleaner & stole it to fill his own empty soul, he is happier than ever. He is doing great.  I was super shiny & working with energy healers when i met him. Every time our souls merged in sex, he took a piece of me.  everytime he took my power away & sexually assaulted me he stole my shiny soul energy.   the graciousness of who i was.  men don’t get that is by far the worst aspect of rape.  They fill you up with their yucky violent hateful energy & take your positive, loving essence from you.  They steal it.  They see you have something they want & don’t have & they steal it from you.

Will he ever be genuinely sorry i doubt it.   Today he saw me & in teh middle of laughing & looking happier & better than ever said casually to his friend, I gotta go & didn’t flinch, seemed 100% totally nonplussed & biked away.  The opposite of love is not hate, it is complete icycle cold hearted pretador indifference.  I was a used kleenex to him that he stepped on today, he barely noticed me. I was nothing to him emotionally or even as a human being.

How anyone could be so fucking heartless is way, way beyond me. I NEVER want to be remotely like him. I feel sorry for him.  He acts like he is the victim.  There were so many times where he had such hatred & contempt for me in his eyes, but he would still use me for sex & pretend to care.  This is the height of emotional & soul raping.

He is the most shallow callous human being i have ever met in my whole life.  Before the 6 hour bull shit trial i could still hang on to the idea he had some decency or humanity & forgive him.  But the trial changed all that.  The hours of voicemail i had assured my therapist he hadn’t collected as evidence & was the lawyers doing, i found out very clearly in the trial that my counselor was right, he saved those & “accidentally” included ones about his job offers just to mess with my head. He is very, very cold & manipulative & premeditated & calculating.  There are so many things i found out the week before that trial.  It makes my skin crawl.

I asked him in our last phone conversation when i was just begging for a genuine appology for the sexual assaults so i could move on in peace & not go forward with a long drawn out court battle if i kept going after filing charges .. i told him from a deep place in my heart that i loved him so much & didn’t want it coming to that, but i needed an appology.  In the middle of him saying even more evil horrifying things than ever, like our last time together when he pretended he loved me & was seriously contemplating getting back together, what he really had thought while we were “making love” is that I was desparate & that he was just doing me a favor & that it wasn’t “horrible” implying it wasn’t good at all or special or that it meant anything beyond a fucking self centered blow job at my expense with the first Thanksgiving with my dad dead when i was hugely emotionally vulnerable.   I said to him, did you ever respect me?  Is there anything at all you ever respected about me?  It was dead silent.

When i hung up the phone on him & smashed my fists against my mirror & had blood running down me & pieces of glass in my hands & called him back because i didn’t want this to be the last note of our relationship, i couldn’t believe he could be so cruel & heartless & that i had meant nothing at all after 2 years +, he proceeded to keep fighting with me after hearing that i now had glass in my hands & blood running down me.  Didn’t say anything kind or loving.  Didn’t really give a flying fuck about me or my welfare. Still refused ot appologize for teh sexual assaults he had pretended to be sorry for in the beginning to get more sex.   He did call teh police after we hung up.  After i told him I was no longer bleeding & fine.  He called them after fighting with me & being horribly emotionally abusive, to start his campaign of destroying me & my reputation.  Making me look crazy to protect his reputation & not take any accountability for sexually assaulting me off & on for two years while i was brain injured & causing me to go from a very happy person to someone completely destroyed self esteem wise & completely unhinged & suicidal more than ever.   He delighted in all of this.  The next morning instead of him calling to see if I was okay, he filed his lie filled restraining order, which in the trial he said he didn’t know that i filed a police report before filling his restraining order.  What a fucking lie.  That whole phone conversation was about me telling him i had filed a police report.  he also denied that i had talked to him on the phone that day, looking me dead in the eye, lying in a calm, cool collected manner.  The judge bought it, cuz i was more emotional & he seemed so calm.  Who could lie without flinching on any level?  He also said how he felt so bad for me & that I really needed to get psychological help & how he hoped i got well.

What a load of shit.

To any men that are not clear out there, being raped oftentimes makes women that had been super happy & healthy become completely unhinged & suicidal.  To have the rapist pretend like he is the victim & try to have power over you again & destroy your reputation & life in the most sinister heartless way, well to be honest, this has changed my world view.

I no longer trust anyone.  I have zero faith in people, the system.   I lost all my friends.

He loves this shit.  And so today when i saw him smiling & joking it up with someone, riding his biking looking perfectly happy, i know that he is the truely sick one.  Someone who can have sex & be in a committed relationship with someone or pretend to be, & have zero feelings of decency or compassion or any feelings at all towards that person, well that is Silence of the Lambs level psychopathic pretador.  He is true evil. Plain & simple.

I hope he gets a taste of his own medicine.  That is the only thing that will cure him.

He is the one that is truly sick & in need of serious psychological help.

I pray very hard for the people he tries to “help”, as he is getting his masters in social work & getting all kinds of job offers from domestic violence women’s shelters & the like.   God protect those vulnerable people.

God protect me from future pretadors.

I am so hugely fucking angry today.   I am soo sick of being victimized.

My words & the Truth are what set me free.

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