Misconceptions about what Rape & Sexual Violence Looks Like . . .

I have been raped & sexually assaulted most of my life.  Most people don’t understand what is the most traumatizing part of it all . . .It is the loss of selfhood, your governance over your own body, your sacred essence, the most valuable part of yourself, your sacred sexuality.  Someone steals, robs, strips you of what is innately yours to give, to decide who to share yourself with, Someone takes away your right to chose, your selfhood, your ability to have autonomy on the deepest of levels.  It is about power.  It is not about sex.  It is about someone wanting to have power over you & to strip you of your power.  It is about control as well.  Them wanting to have control over you.

What a lot of men don’t understand & society too, is that it is so deeply traumatizing in the moment you realize that the person you love & trust, no longer is listening to you, no longer sees you, no longer respects your right to have choices, to have control & dominion over that which is most sacred to you . . .when you realize they just violated your boundaries or are about to, most women shut down.  A lot of women don’t fight back, because they are in shock.  Because they are dissociating, because they are horrified or terrified or because they don’t want it to turn into a violent rape that is even more traumatic of a violation.

After working so hard to heal myself from my awful childhood abuse i survived at the hands of both my parents–both sexually torturing me basically, I thought i was finally in a good place.  Unfortunately, I got taken advantage of again, this time even worse because the person was a huge con artist.

What this person does not realize, is what most men fail to realize,  when a woman says No & they still go ahead & push the boundaries, in that very moment you have sexually assaulted her. It doesn’t matter how softly she says it, or how scared or amibivalent . . it doesn’t matter if she is too scared to fight or what your reasons are, you just took away her right to her own body, the inside of herself.   Her deepest most sacred gift & intimacy to share.

And consent is not just about that she said the word no.  If she says Wait & Stop, that is teh same as No, according to decency & the law. It is sexual assault if she says wait & you don’t.   It is sexual assault if she says she needs to lie down & take a nap & that she doesn’t want to be physical & you strip down to your underwear & jump on top of her.

It is not all about you & what you want in that moment or any moment.  You do not get to decide what she wants even if her body seems excited.  She gets to decide what she wants for herself with her own brain, her own autonomy, her own selfhood.

This is a very good article about the subject.  I am tired of being sexually assaulted or raped by men I date.   I think from now on I am dating only women just so i don’t have to worry about being attacked.  It’s a sad commentary on our society that i now think that is the only way i can be safe in a sexual relationship is to become a lesbian.

http://www.care2.com/causes/there-is-no-such-thing-as-a-classic-rapist.html

 

 

 

 

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