Sex as Connection, not Sensation

I just saw the movie Don Jon.  I thought i would hate it, but i didn’t.   I actually kind of liked it.  I still think it showed too much porn, but still there were some points that were refreshing & some refreshing honesty in it.

My ex, who has thrown me & our friendship away like piece of cheap used garbage, well i’ve had LOTS of time to think about our “relationship”.

He was all about SEX all the time, couldn’t get enough, until it was the time period for deeper emotions, deeper connections, over time.  He wanted none of that.

As long as he could keep it cheap & easy, no real emotional strings attached he was fine.  No commitment of one soul to another.  No respecting me. No SEEING me or APPRECIATING me at all for ME.

But he was good at saying the generic hollow I love you over text, over an email, in person.

It’s so deeply sad to me when i think about how emotionally uninvested he was.  How cheap it all was for him and superficial for the most part.  He is so unevolved.  But that is his punishment.  His sadness. His emptiness, his isolation.

I was so wanting him to risk vulnerability but you can’t force that.  It is a Choice on men’s part.  A courageous act.

I don’t think men realize how tough, strong & courageous women are.  To choose to be vulnerable. To be emotionally open.  It takes Real strength to be vulnerable & live with your emotions & soul to be seen. But that is where the Beauty comes in–when we are Known.  When we see each other, and while we see each other we connect in the most deeply personal, sacred, selfless way possible.  A deep sharing.  A dance. A conversation.

When did sex become so sensationalized?  A desire to “get off”.  To get your orgasms in.  To feel something.  To feel passion, but not emotion.   Passion is drowning in the physical senses. The more the urgency, the less the connection & seeing of one another & cherishing & appreciating.  It is not a conversation at that point for the most part.

Even though my ex & i had sex (in my mind often, “made love”) for over 2 years, the last weeks of our relationship, he posted twice about my body as what he considered a compliment to me on my facebook page.  It was hugely objectifying, mortifying, embarrassing, that he would talk about my body on a public facebook page . . .He said they forgot me from the list of hot celebrity bodies over 40.  In the beginning he said things like a woman’s looks were not important & that he was such a feminist.  But after 2 years of being intimate together, this was his highest compliment, his deepest appreciation for me & what he thought about after we “made love” was that my body was hot.  It was nothing about who I was or how much he appreciated Me or anything about me except my body after 2 whole years of being together. It sickened me.

I asked him to untag me & take it down, at least one of the posts.   It wasn’t even about their eyes or their smile.  He liked me from the neck down.

This is his sickness.  This is the sickness of men. It is a choice.  A choice excused & enabled by many women & many of their male friends, reinforced in our culture, our society, in the movies.   But we all chose to collude in it–that is what gives it the strength to keep happening.   We could collectively & individually choose differently.  Just like choosing to buy non-gmo products, our choices have power.  Our choices effect industries, effect our culture, effect each other & society.  If we don’t spend billions on beauty products, if we stop buying magazines that objectify women, if we stop frequenting strip joints (myself i have zero desire to go), if we start complimenting a woman for what she has to say instead of what she looks like.   It seems like the highest & most common compliment to a woman from her friends on facebook is “you look so beautyfull”.  Some women now change their pictures weekly & if it is a pretty picture of themselves then they often get way more likes then if they post an idea they have or some important cause of merit.  Some women even airbrush their photos.  I so wish someone would say about my picture, oh your soul is shining so bright or I love what you have to say here.  That is a very rare comment indeed.

I am looking for true Connection.  To lose myself in another & vice versa.  To share our hearts, minds, souls & bodies for a moment of Beauty, of Ecstasy, of Communion with God or the Divine, of merging with the Oneness.

Sex has gotten so corrupted & derailed. It is so sad for all of us.

I love me & i loved my ex. It’s really so sad he Chose not to risk vulnerability.  It’s so sad he Chose to see me as a sex object to manipulate to get what he wanted.

I now have my guard up & i don’t trust men.   It will take a long time before my heart is healed enough, to risk connection again.  And this time I will be much older & wiser & not trust so easily.  Trust is earned.  I am done enabling bad behavior. I take my power back & am no longer codependent to the sexaholic, the sexist, the objectifier.   Just like a codependent is to an alcoholic.  I choose me & take my power back.  I’m done listening to  & giving into his lame excuses. It is a choice for me & for him.

I hope we all start choosing to stop enabling sexism, objectification of ourselves & each other.  We are hueman (i like the word hue-per”daughter” better :)) be-ings with souls & hearts & minds first & foremost, not just a collection of body parts.  It is so deeply embedded even in our language it is hard to find words that don’t center around men . .. human, per”son”, wo-man, fe-male.  How about being, womyn, or some other word entirely?

I know lots of you may think this is extreme, but i have to say i think our culture has been extreme & is getting more & more out of whack. It is extremely sick & unhealthy–if a shrink were to analyze it, it would have lots of different diagnosises.

The word Radical, literally translates to getting to the root of something.  So if you think I am a radical that is high praise & a compliment to me.

Take care of yourself & each other in the highest most cherishing, honoring & deeply listening way possible. Let’s really See each other & Hear each other & listen to each other’s boundaries.  Treat each other with honoring & deep respect.

In peace & true power,



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