feeling unsatisfied . . .

I forced myself to get out of my apartment tonight to try & get my mind off some hard things i am going through right now.  I was excited actually to go dancing.  Spring was in the air and yea, a newer friend said yes.  It started out good, but i felt so judged by her . . everything i had to say she seemed silently judgemental of.  Then she proceeded to get super drunk & to try to set me up with a guy she was dating that she didn’t like.  And then she wanted to drive us all, super drunk to another club.

I politely excused myself & went home.

It was disappointing.   I used to love to dance at this place. It had the best funk music dj’d, but now was this industrial soulless, thump, thump club music.   It all felt so empty.

I tried talking to the guy she thought i would like, but he seemed sleazy & i had nothing in common with him.  He asked if i wanted to do drugs. I declined, since i don’t do any i am proud to say.  I just felt like he wasn’t sincerely interested in me as a person–that he was more interested in my body.  It got old.

I think my days of enjoying the club scene are behind me.  I find now that I am in my 40s all of it seems so empty to me–going out, hearing music so loud that no one can have an actual conversation with you.  People drunk & falling all over each other.

I’m thinking about volunteering more. I am really craving genuine heartfelt connections & conversations that use my mind.

I don’t drink, I don’t smoke or do drugs.  I feel like this eliminates a whole lot of the social world.  But i didn’t have fun when i tried to drink. I felt out of control & like i was making a fool of myself & it made me less happy & more depressed.

Being with people that are conscious is what I am looking for.  I don’t want sound bite conversations where it is competitive talking–who can say the most witty, interesting thing.  I’m just looking for someone to BE still with.  To share space even when we don’t talk.

I also noticed my friend & her friends were largely not talking to each other, just looking at their phones & obsessively at their texts, to see if their friend was coming.  And then when their friend arrived, not really talking to them. lol!  it is crazy! 🙂


I feel as if the world has gone insane sometimes.   I really miss the 70s where there were only landlines, no answering machines & you would stay home to get your friend’s phone call if you knew she were going to call–to have that sacred exciting all important conversation.! 🙂

Does anyone else remember those times?  I feel like everyone now has ADHD or is bipolar & if you aren’t or don’t drink or do drugs you don’t really fit in.

Well, my new motto, only go dancing when i know i will like the music with friends that don’t get drunk.   Also do more dinner parties and hang out & cultivate friendships more with my friends who like chi gong, chanting, good conversations & true connection.

Anyhoo. It’s such a relief to have a place to talk honestly.   I think part of my ennui is at 44 things that were so exciting at 20 something or 30 something, no longer hold the same cache.  I’m looking for substance & purpose & fulfillment.  Wondering gentle readers how do you feel?  Especially those my age, do you notice yourself slowing down & wanting to be more of a homebody?

Please weigh in if you’d care to.  I’d love to hear your HONEST opinions. 🙂



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