Cleaning House

After my heartbreaking breakup, my family abandoning me with my dad’s death & friends betraying me this year,  I have decided I am doing a bit of relationship spring cleaning.   It is either that or lose my mind. 🙂  It is inevitable anyways.  The good me is now bitch me & I have to be honest, it feels kind of liberating.  My anger is spilling over from an area too long dammed up.  I don’t give a damn. 😉

But it is scarey too. This gushing forth of rage & acting out.  While not being violent, I am telling my friends in no uncertain terms I am no longer okay with playing small at my own expense anymore.  I’ve had huge health problems & I feel I can’t ignore my core self any longer.

It’s happening anyways, the waters are overflowing of my Self that I have penned in far tooo long–to be liked, to play it safe, to keep from rocking the boat, most of all keeping other people feeling safe that I am “small”.

The Truth is, I am super powerful.  Just like we all are.  But most of us realize to be large means to rock the boat & lose a lot of people.  But I am finding this shipwreck quite comforting.  I am finding if I have myself & lose everyone, I feel far less alone & I am breathing much deeper with more joy in my step, self respect in my stride & a breath of fresh air filled with Light & sunshine.

It’s weird to feel happy after telling off a long time friend but to be perfectly honest, I do.  They kept doing this unequal power dynamics with me & messed up things while sounding “polite”.  It was total bull shit & I told them in no uncertain terms it was not okay.  It was a man & while he remained cool, he kept invalidating me, minimizing me, discounting me & my feelings (all form of emotional & verbal abuse by the way) & then criticizing me for raising my voice & my anger.

At least my anger is honest.  At least it has integrity & it’s not hidden behind some passive aggressive saccharine, bull shit.  I get so tired in our society of the dear US of A, of no one being honest or authentic anymore.  Hiding behind polite catch phrases & pc soliloquizing while sticking it to you.  It’s total BS.  And calling my friend out on it felt liberating to me.  I asked him nicely like 10 times to be more respectful of my life & time, to give me advance notice, to treat me as an equal in our collaborative projects.  He had one f-ing excuse after another for his typical male behavior of acting like his life, time commitments were way more important, pressing urgent, valuable than my life, time & commitments.  Sound familiar ladies?  This is one of the insidious forms of sexism that is very well & alive today.  Men expecting the woman they are dating to mold their lives, their time, their priorities around them & acting like you are bitch when you stand up & say neither is that okay, it’s not respectful or honoring & it is sexist.

Thank you for giving me space for my rant today.  I do very much, sincerely appreciate it.  To be heard is such a major gift to me right now.   It’s helping me clear space for my new, empowered self to come through.  Like it or not, there are cracks in the dam of myself & the water is rushing through it.  My walls are tumbling down & i am hoping, through this scarey process, & believing & trusting, that my new Self will be more authentically powerful (true power) than ever before.  I think I like this new me. 🙂  Everyone else be dammed ;), or hopefully not–but I guess that is really their choice if they chose to live behind walls of in-authenticity & power & control games.  I’m not putting up with that dynamic anymore. I want people in my life that are direct, mean what they say, say what they mean & are conscious–not unconsciously acting out in sabotaging, dismissive, disempowering ways, thank you very muchly! 🙂 I want friends that can handle when I am honest about my feelings & my needs, that don’t try to shame me for who I am &  that can talk through conflict honestly & authentically.

I really don’t think this is too much to ask.  I have a feeling if I keep on my current trajectory of taking my power back & living authentically aligned with my true Self, then these awesome friends will emerge & start showing up in my life.

In the meantime though, it is a scarey process, dismantling what has felt safe, walking away from the the known, risking that I am worth more than this.  I think & know that I am.  I am that I am that I am.  So be it & so it is!  Power to my sistas!  I love you!!! ❤

 

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